Saturday, May 28, 2005

Will No One Do Anything to Stop Them?

Now that the Globe & Mail and other purveyors of main stream media have figured out that Christians are a danger to the nation we must seriously consider what to do about it.

It is simply not enough to print front page stories noting the dark plans and HIDDEN AGENDAS by which the Christians are plotting to seize political power. No, we must rouse ourselves from our secular stupor and execute a counter attack before it is too late. Did you know they are trying to take over the Conservative Party of Canada? I am serious.

They are actually running as candidates in some ridings as though this is their constitutional right. The nerve of it all. Have they not heard of the separation of bingo and patronage? We've even heard rumours that there are Christians in the Liberal Party, but the Prime Minister is vigilant in making sure they do not actually affect public policy, so that's okay, I guess.

What to do? You see the danger, don't you? If the Christians are successful we will have a government run in accordance with seditious doctrines like the ten commandments and the golden rule. Not that there is anything wrong with the commandments themselves. They are, after all, part of the Jewish canon of scripture and we don't want to be accused of anti-Semitism do we. Do we? Sure Israel can do no good and the Palestinians can do no wrong; we all know that. I don't mean that. It's just that anti-Semitism is so, .... déclassé. And did I mention that Seinfeld was a great sitcom.

The golden rule referred to above does not mean the way the Liberal party does business, though the misunderstanding is entirely excusable. It appears to have something to do with treating suckers with respect and dignity and acting honourably at all times! I agree it's rot, but that's what these people think.

Christians, of course, are not all alike. The main line Protestants are okay with guys getting it on and with deep sixing the unfortunate product of heterosexual congress, with divorce decrees granted on the basis of plantars warts and hangnails and with adding hemlock to the porridge of the old as an act of mercy. These are the decent Christians anyone can safely invite to participate in a wee bit of cocaine snorting.

It is the Evangelicals and Catholics we must fortify ourselves against, lest our way of life perish. The Evangelical Christians that have this weird look in their eyes. Don't take my word for it, look at what John Downing, a former naval officer no less, says about them on his blog, Mindless in Ottawa.
Here's the thing. Canadians are scared of Born Again Christians, that's just the way it is. Have you ever met a BC? Tell me, weren't you just a little scared? Be honest.

Unless you are a BC, in which case you are probably blowing a gasket as you read this, then you have at some point in your life been at least a little freaked out as you talked to a BC.

I personally know many BCs, some I like, and some I think are so stupid they would just as easily have joined a Kool Aid cult if it had free snacks with the drinks.

The Conservative Party is dominated by BCs.

Don't even bother to pretend this is not the case. I've been to the nominating meetings where 100 white guys with that glassy eyed look show up with their non liberated wives. Wives who look lobotomized and struggle to keep six kids under the age of six from killing each other while their pompous blow hard of a husband rails against "argent et le vote ethnic."
In my experience naval officers do not lie. They lack the cleverness necessary to pull it off. So it is clear I speak the truth. Downing tells the tale. Evangelicals are clearly two full shovels short of a load and cannot be trusted with political power.

Good Lord, if you believe there is a Lord, consider the impact on Parliament Hill subsidized daycare centres alone. They would go out of business if Evangelicals were elected in large numbers. What about all those snotty six kid families you ask? You won't believe it but Evangelicals like to raise their kids in their homes. Shocking I know, but true. The Stepford wives actually look after their own young. Yuck! How 1950's.

Nor can those Catholics be trusted. By Catholics I don't mean the,"I'm personally opposed to evil, bad things but promise you I will do nothing while in public office to act in accordance with my religious convictions" kind of Catholic, of which Paul Martin is such an exemplar. They are no danger to us at all I assure you. No, it is the other kind of Catholic that is scary. They believe in something called DOGMAS, you see. Now DOGMAS are dreadful things. The Vatican is chock full of them I hear.

Why, just let a DOGMA get ahold of you and you're done. Next thing you know you're toting a rosary, worshipping statues, kneeling in a church, actually praying to a higher power that answers back and raising your eyebrows askance at sensitive lesbian parliamentary day care workers with coat hanger symbols on their t-shirts who are screaming profanities at pro-life marchers marching in front of the Morgentaler clinics providing those necessary therapeutic medical services. Additionally you will start to think Henry Morgentaler ought not to receive the Nobel prize for superior moral decency that he so clearly deserves. Haven't you read the Davinci Code, for God's sake? Catholics are one big plot. Read it and you'll not think them so benign.

So what do we do? I think we need to outlaw Christianity. This may sound extreme, but we must not (in the words of G.K. Chesterton) allow pestilence a place in the sun. Christians can't be trusted, multiply like rabbits, refuse to die with dignity, demand a high standard of moral behaviour from public figures, wear clothes from Walmart and plain embarrass the hell out of polite society. We need not legislate them out of existence. We'll just continue with judicious appointments to the judiciary and they will adjudicate the matter for us.


At 8:44 pm, May 28, 2005 , Blogger Beth said...

Browsing blogs and came upon yours. I had a good laugh from it. Banning Christians. I like some Christians, but to have any organized religion take over is just dangerous. Our country needs to be run by common sense, not a nonsensical religious text.

At 5:12 pm, May 29, 2005 , Blogger John the Mad said...

Whatever the dangers inherent in unorganized religion taking over, I hope you agree that it is better than unorganized religion taking over. Now that's a truly scary thought.

At 7:11 pm, May 29, 2005 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Globe and Mail clearly prefers big Liberal Government spending our money on lots of newspaper ads. So we?ll see lots more scary and hidden agenda talk from them. It?s already working as we can see above.
I thought their Saturday editorial page was full of contradictions and found myself stumped for words ? this seldom happens. Thanks for clearing it up for me.

At 8:10 pm, May 29, 2005 , Blogger Kermit said...

Secular Humanism is a religion unto itself. In it 'GOD' is spelt and pronunced 'ME'. It makes life so much easier for people who only learned to read the 'Phonics' way. I am, of course, prejudiced. Also, it becomes ever so much easier to make decisions based on 'what makes ME feel good' at the now point in time.

I think that I would rather have people in roles of governance that are grounded in 'Christian' ethics than ones grounded in 'Secular Humanistic Feel Goodism' or 'Arabian Wahabitism'.

What I fear, under any form of government, is leadership with big zeroes in the morals and ethics department. These are the folks from which fanaticism flowers. I suspect (hey, it's been a lot of years since I studied history and it could have been revised since then) that most dictatorships became such with neither the benefit nor the blessing of the church. And, I won't even mention the loving treatment of the Jews and Gypsies at the little summer resort called Auschwitz.

I yield the sopbox to the next speaker.


At 8:28 pm, May 29, 2005 , Blogger John the Mad said...

Secular humanism takes its motto from an ancient source. "I will not serve."

Those who accept that there is such a thing as Truth frighten the willies out of those who owe no allegiance to anything other than self.

At 10:44 pm, May 29, 2005 , Blogger bob said...

This is good stuff. I would welcome you to examine "I Am a Wingnut" (you have to scroll down a little bit).
Also, you are on the roll, friend.

At 11:42 pm, May 29, 2005 , Blogger John the Mad said...

Much olbliged Bob. Wingnut network, eh. That a fit for one who is Mad.

I'll return the favour and place you on my roll just as soon as I get a few minutes. For now is bedtime. Cheers.

At 10:54 am, May 30, 2005 , Blogger Kermit said...

I've reread this for the 3rd time. If I were to tell you that I was COL and RIM (Croaking out loud and rolling in mud - hey... I live in a bog... Okay), and that I haven't had to take 3 showers on the same day in years. Then I would be... Whoops! I let down my guard, and now my agenda is no longer secret!

Kermit the Green


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