Will No One Do Anything to Stop Them?

Now that the Globe & Mail and other purveyors of main stream media have figured out that Christians are a danger to the nation we must seriously consider what to do about it.

It is simply not enough to print front page stories noting the dark plans and HIDDEN AGENDAS by which the Christians are plotting to seize political power. No, we must rouse ourselves from our secular stupor and execute a counter attack before it is too late. Did you know they are trying to take over the Conservative Party of Canada? I am serious.

They are actually running as candidates in some ridings as though this is their constitutional right. The nerve of it all. Have they not heard of the separation of bingo and patronage? We've even heard rumours that there are Christians in the Liberal Party, but the Prime Minister is vigilant in making sure they do not actually affect public policy, so that's okay, I guess.

What to do? You see the danger, don't you? If the Christians are successful we will have a government run in accordance with seditious doctrines like the ten commandments and the golden rule. Not that there is anything wrong with the commandments themselves. They are, after all, part of the Jewish canon of scripture and we don't want to be accused of anti-Semitism do we. Do we? Sure Israel can do no good and the Palestinians can do no wrong; we all know that. I don't mean that. It's just that anti-Semitism is so, .... déclassé. And did I mention that Seinfeld was a great sitcom.

The golden rule referred to above does not mean the way the Liberal party does business, though the misunderstanding is entirely excusable. It appears to have something to do with treating suckers with respect and dignity and acting honourably at all times! I agree it's rot, but that's what these people think.

Christians, of course, are not all alike. The main line Protestants are okay with guys getting it on and with deep sixing the unfortunate product of heterosexual congress, with divorce decrees granted on the basis of plantars warts and hangnails and with adding hemlock to the porridge of the old as an act of mercy. These are the decent Christians anyone can safely invite to participate in a wee bit of cocaine snorting.

It is the Evangelicals and Catholics we must fortify ourselves against, lest our way of life perish. The Evangelical Christians that have this weird look in their eyes. Don't take my word for it, look at what John Downing, a former naval officer no less, says about them on his blog, Mindless in Ottawa.

Here's the thing. Canadians are scared of Born Again Christians, that's just the way it is. Have you ever met a BC? Tell me, weren't you just a little scared? Be honest.

Unless you are a BC, in which case you are probably blowing a gasket as you read this, then you have at some point in your life been at least a little freaked out as you talked to a BC.

I personally know many BCs, some I like, and some I think are so stupid they would just as easily have joined a Kool Aid cult if it had free snacks with the drinks.

The Conservative Party is dominated by BCs.

Don't even bother to pretend this is not the case. I've been to the nominating meetings where 100 white guys with that glassy eyed look show up with their non liberated wives. Wives who look lobotomized and struggle to keep six kids under the age of six from killing each other while their pompous blow hard of a husband rails against "argent et le vote ethnic."

In my experience naval officers do not lie. They lack the cleverness necessary to pull it off. So it is clear I speak the truth. Downing tells the tale. Evangelicals are clearly two full shovels short of a load and cannot be trusted with political power.

Good Lord, if you believe there is a Lord, consider the impact on Parliament Hill subsidized daycare centres alone. They would go out of business if Evangelicals were elected in large numbers. What about all those snotty six kid families you ask? You won't believe it but Evangelicals like to raise their kids in their homes. Shocking I know, but true. The Stepford wives actually look after their own young. Yuck! How 1950's.

Nor can those Catholics be trusted. By Catholics I don't mean the,"I'm personally opposed to evil, bad things but promise you I will do nothing while in public office to act in accordance with my religious convictions" kind of Catholic, of which Paul Martin is such an exemplar. They are no danger to us at all I assure you. No, it is the other kind of Catholic that is scary. They believe in something called DOGMAS, you see. Now DOGMAS are dreadful things. The Vatican is chock full of them I hear.

Why, just let a DOGMA get ahold of you and you're done. Next thing you know you're toting a rosary, worshipping statues, kneeling in a church, actually praying to a higher power that answers back and raising your eyebrows askance at sensitive lesbian parliamentary day care workers with coat hanger symbols on their t-shirts who are screaming profanities at pro-life marchers marching in front of the Morgentaler clinics providing those necessary therapeutic medical services. Additionally you will start to think Henry Morgentaler ought not to receive the Nobel prize for superior moral decency that he so clearly deserves. Haven't you read the Davinci Code, for God's sake? Catholics are one big plot. Read it and you'll not think them so benign.

So what do we do? I think we need to outlaw Christianity. This may sound extreme, but we must not (in the words of G.K. Chesterton) allow pestilence a place in the sun. Christians can't be trusted, multiply like rabbits, refuse to die with dignity, demand a high standard of moral behaviour from public figures, wear clothes from Walmart and plain embarrass the hell out of polite society. We need not legislate them out of existence. We'll just continue with judicious appointments to the judiciary and they will adjudicate the matter for us.