A Week Later

I've not been posting much over the past week as I am attempting to recapture a measure of serenity amidst the meltdown of parliamentary democracy in Canada. Okay maybe serenity is too grand a word and too unreachable a condition for me. You may have noticed that I was foaming at the mouth and I suspect that is not a good thing for a gentleman to be doing. I think my colleagues and friends pity me for my ranting. Poor lad that old Mad. Gone over the edge on this one. Gets worked up over the strangest things.

About a week ago a good friend and interlocutor, Suancho Panza, Squire to the Knight of the Woeful Countenance, e-mailed me with a suggestion that I hated Liberals. This is simply untrue. I love and admire Liberals these days, particularly that well known Liberal Belinda the Beautiful. I must say she drives me mad with passion. Okay I admit that was a heterosexist comment. It's just that her legs, on which she walked those two sword lengths into history, are ... well ... clad in nylon ... walking ... walking ... I digress. She is a principled public person who ought not to be pilloried because of ... those legs. .... ahem.

In my view the federal political scene has now transitioned from being just plain disgusting into disgustingly absurd. The Liberal party in Ottawa is sinking deeper into the lower rungs of Dante's Purgatorio. Now they are suggesting that they will ignore future opposition confidence votes in the House of Commons. I suppose they are consistent in this regard, having ignored four votes indicating a lack of confidence earlier this month.

They are unilaterally changing unwritten, but vital, parliamentary conventions upon which the legitimacy of our parliamentary form of government depends. This is not the democratic renewal promised by Paul Martin. This is appalling and they are able to get away with it because the public does not understand the importance of these unwritten constitutional conventions and most of the media is either unwilling or too lazy, or both, to bother writing about it.

Do we march in the streets with orange scarves, as the Ukrainian people did? We do not, for we are Canadian. Because we are Canadians we do not march. We shamble on snowshoes and that makes for a very ineffective revolutionary movement let me tell you; particularly in the month of May.

The Toronto Star has pronounced that there is no "smoking gun?" because the sponsorship money was turned into cash and then stuffed into brown or yellow envelopes. The paper noted that a reputable forensic accounting firm told Judge Gomery that when that happens they can?t trace the money flow anymore. Oh yes, I nearly forgot. The same forensic auditors say the sponsorship scandal did not involve $255 million as claimed by the Liberals. No siree, it was actually $355 million. Don't think this was an attempt by the Liberals at deceit. They'll assure you they are out by far more than $100 million all the time. I can vouch for them on this point.

For the Toronto Star that no smoking gun means there is no proven link between the illegal sponsorship kickbacks and the bank accounts of the Liberal Party of Canada. There is a proven relationship, however, between smoking guns and barrel cancer, so I'm glad the Liberal party has gone smoke free. There is no magic bullet for barrel cancer.

For me, all this means that I left the Liberal party too soon. My stuffed envelope may have been ready to mail. You never know. Maybe Paul will take me back into the fold when Carolyn Parish returns to caucus. Please Paul. Send Tim Murphy to advise me on how these things are done and bring me in from the cold. It's darn scary out here guarding Stephen Harper's hidden agenda. I made a mistake. Trust me. I won't tape conversations with your people. I'd be a very good senator, really. I wouldn't even embarrass you by stomping on a George Bush doll in public. Did I tell you I think every day how the world would be better off if Saddam Hussein were still president of Iraq instead of being a famous underwear model? No? ... Well we would.

I now see dat, da proof is da proof is da proof and d'ere ain't none of da proof in d'is whole sorry tale. Judge Gomery told the inquiry there is no proof the money ever got to the Liberal party, so I guess it didn't because Paul Martin says, "Gomery, he's da man."

Then the Toronto Star ran a heart rending story about how the envelopes of cash were actually delivered to orphans and widows of war veterans, who were recovering from SARS and were marching for peace when they were stopped on the way home and illegally searched by Kingston traffic cops, who were unfairly targeting them just because the cops are old white male meanies.

And Giuseppe "Joe" Morseli says he (Joe) is just an ordinary caterer who helped the party raise $2.5 million from the goodness of his heart. I believe him. Don't you? As to the suggestions made by M. Dezainde that Joe was "the big boss" linked to the mob; here is Joe's answer:

I object to this title," he said.

"I was born in the northeast corner of Italy, in a corner next to Slovenia," said Morselli.

"There are no godfather-type groups originating from this region, nor any godfathers. I am a proud Venetian.

As if to drive this point home Mr. Morselli was last seen leaving the Gomery Commission hearing in a gondola punted by swarthy men in black suits and white socks. I kid you not. Someone ought to give that good man an official position in the Quebec wing of the party as a reward. He could be the Quebec wing's Gondolafather.

And I see the good people of Labrador reacted on cue and returned a Liberal to the Commons in a by-election. They can?t be blamed for this. All those low-level NATO jet fighter flights clearly have rattled them. But the NATO jets have now returned to their home countries. Folks in Labrador who don't live directly under the flight paths were very concerned until just before by-election day that the Goose Bay air force base would close its hangar doors, having lost its very raison d'etre.

Silly people. They underestimated the resolve of Prime Minister Dithers when faced with having to return to work as an office boy in his sons' shipping firm. When he announced that Goose Bay would be the home of the navy's new Upholder submarine fleet I understand there was great rejoicing and the Liberal victory was made certain. There was some quibbling in the local Legion hall that Goose Bay is not on the Atlantic coast, until the Toronto Star noted in an editorial that if they were needed the subs could be disassembled and transported to the ocean using chartered giant Russian Antonov transport aircraft - if they were available at the time. After that everyone relaxed.

Including yours truly. Repeat after me. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.