The Mouse That Squeaked

My morning Globe & Mail tells us that the Honourable Pierre Pettigrew PC MP, our wildly coiffed Minister of Foreign Affairs has been visiting the "moribund" (Globe's word, not mine) United Nations Conference on Disarmament in Geneva.

Apparently, Mr. Pettigrew thought it time to apply Canada's considerable diplomatic muscle to denounce Iranian and North Korean armaments programs. Here is a transcript of what he actually said to the convention delegates. Remember you read it here first.

"Tisk, tisk, tisk " Mr. Pettigrew clucked with a very stern look on his face and a strategically placed wrinkle on his brow.

"You two nations are being very, very naughty," he continued while wagging a finger in the general direction of the Iranian and North Korean ambassadors. "If you do not stop being so naughty, Canada will be very, very, unhappy and will have to back up my very, very, tough words with stronger action.

When the Iranian ambassador shouted back, "No way! You can't make us, Nyaa, nyaa, nyaaa, nyaa, nyaa ...." Mr. Pettigrew's countenance darkened and he said softly.

"It's a good thing for you mister, that I don't believe in spanking, or other forms of cruel and unusual punishments prohibited by the Geneva Conventions On How To Deal With Spoiled Brats and Other Rogue States. But this does not mean the Government of Canada lacks a spine. No sir, it does not."

We in Ottawa believe in tough love. Just ask Newfoundland's Danny Williams about how tough this Liberal Government can be. .... Well ok, that's a bad example, but you'd better mind your Ps & Qs from now on."

You will only be allowed to come out of your room when you have thought about what you have done and are ready to render a sincere apology to your brother and sister nations. That'll teach you not to mess with the might of the Canadian nation.

So far the North Korean and Iranian response has been muted. Liberal sources in the Prime Minister's Office said this is likely due to the fact that Mr. Pettigrew's tongue lashing and threats of future action by Canada has the Iranian and North Korean governments temporarily paralyzed with fear.

Another Liberal source, a well known CBC anchorperson, has suggested the lack of a visible response may be due to rumours that Iran and North Korea immediately began to destroy their respective weapons systems and are too busy to formally reply to Mr. Pettigrew. (The North Korean ambassador was overheard talking to Dear Leader by cellphone, begging him to disarm immediately, or face the serious danger of overflights by Canadian Forces Sea King helicopters.)

Although the Globe & Mail for some reason did not report Mr. Pettigrew's remarks above, it did note that,

North Korea's nuclear warheads and its program to develop missiles capable of reaching North America pose, "a grave risk to regional and international peace and security," Mr. Pettigrew said.

He made no mention of Ottawa's decision to opt out of the U.S. anti-missile shield designed to intercept intercontinental ballistic missiles and destroy them.

Note: I was about to satirize that last [genuine] quotation until I realized the Liberal position on missile defence is self-inflicted satire. I was always taught that a gentleman does not kick a deeply wounded public policy where the sun don't shine. It is simply not seemly to play the bully.