The Ontario Minister of Public Safety and Security in Ontario has released a warning late this afternoon for the public to avoid visiting Ottawa over the next couple of weeks. It seems that federal Conservatives are plummeting and there is a danger of being hit by one if you are walking on a public sidewalk in the city. The precise reason for the plummeting is unclear, but it seems to have something to do with a certain HIDDEN AGENDA.
The ministerial spokesflack, Thelmond Abernathy, said, "I would like to provide more information to the media about the content of the HIDDEN AGENDA, but it appears to be too well hidden. At the rate the plummeting is occurring," he said, "the last Conservative in Ottawa may well smush himself into pudding on the concrete below before revealing the secrets."
In Rome, a Vatican Spokepriest for Herman Cardinal Burgermeister, one of the 666 new German cardinals recently installed by Pope Benedict (who used to be a Nazi you know) stated that, "The plummeting going on in Canada was contrary to natural law and that Canadian Catholics must neither plummet themselves or counsel others to plummet. He also noted that, "Liberals must not, on their part, stand on the roof of buildings and shout, 'Jump you scary buggers!' " "Nor do we allow pushing."
Cardinal Burgermeister said that the anti-plummeting dogma is not a new one and that the Church has always opposed plummeting. The doctrinal explanation may be found in a little known appendix to the Catholic Catechism. Plummeting was formally banned in the eighteenth century because the practice was being enthusiastically endorsed by Masons in Italy.
But the more significant historical theological objection is that plummeting may lead to a greater sin called, The Fall. "We've had centuries of trouble arising from The Fall," mused Cardinal Burgermeister. "You simply can't appreciate, until you experience it, the damage that can be accomplished by two naked people and an apple."
Contacted to respond to the Vatican's position and provide balance to this report, the transspokesperson for the Rainbow Church in downtown Toronto, the Rev. Lance Larson, tartly noted that, "The Fall was an exclusively hetero debacle and it is our view that the fruit was entirely blameless."
The Canadian chapter of Amnesty International blamed the plummeting on the US policy towards the detention of prisoners in Guantanamo Bay. "Were it not for this Bush inspired contemporary gulag Canadians would not be falling from the sky in such numbers," said the Amnesty spokesrhetorician, Che Guevara Birkenstock. He called on the United Nations to intervene by sending firefighters with nets into Ottawa. Kofi Anan, reached by cell phone from a beach in Algiers, said he would convene a meeting of the Security Council next week when he gets back from his holidays.
When President Bush was asked about his views on plummeting Conservatives in Ottawa he paused from clearing brush with his US Marine flamethrower looked thoughtful and smirked, "Remind me again whether Ottawa is a red or a blue state."
Prime Minister Martin actually swore when called for comment and yelled, "Damn it, Morselli's gone too far this time." No really, he did! I can prove it. A Conservative MP named Grewal taped the phone call.