Sunday, February 05, 2006

Catholic Students Riot on Yonge Street

Notice: This story is a recreation of a JtMNews story hacked out of existence by the Islamic Hackers Brigade, one of the emerging radical jihadist groups formed in the aftermath of the invasion of Iraq. The story was pieced together from a fragment of a scroll found at Castle Mad and the razor sharp memory of JtM himself. It is not a word for word account of the ealier destroyed post, but is faithful to the truth. The story is shocking and not suitable for children. Please send them to their rooms before reading any further.

By John the Mad
February 2, 2006
It all started last Friday when some Catholics undergraduates from Saint Michael's College of the University of Toronto paid their nightly visit to their favourite Irish pub on Bay Street last Wednesday. They came across a Saudi Arabian newspaper in their booth that had been left behind by a Saudi prince. They figured out that he was a prince of the House of Saud because of his dress and behaviour. According to one of the students, Mary McGuire:
He like wore flowing robes and a rope wound around this cloth thing on his
head and he had was swarthy and overweight and had a goatee and everything. The waitress told us he came in flashed a wad of awesome $100 bills, drank several mugs of beer from his personal 24 caret beer mug and followed that up with some very expensive single malt scotch. Like, he even left her his beer mug and the deed to a villa in some town called Andalusia or something, as a tip. The prince then climbed into his chauffeured driven Rolls Royce limo accompanied by three freckle faced school girls in kilts.
The students told this reporter that they perused the Saudi newspaper he left behind as they were working their way though their first pint. Fortunately one of the students named Bernadette majored in sociology and had done a paper on the women?s liberation movement in the Middle East as it pertained to the historic development of the hijab from an instrument of patriarchal oppression into a chic counter-culture symbol of coolness among young Islamic co-eds on Western university campuses. Bernadette apparently had learned Arabic in Dubai during the previous March break reading week in in order to research her topic. According to Sean O'Toole:

We were like totally shocked we when she translated that Islam asserts that Jesus is only a prophet. How gross! We Catholics are brought up to believe that Jesus is the Son of the Living God, the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity and the Saviour of the world. We were very deeply offended to see this false view of our Lord published in an Arab newspaper.

"Yeah it?s grotty alright," confirmed Patrick Maloney. "When we went back to our dorm we Googled around and discovered this view of Jesus is very common in the Muslim world. They say we Catholics corrupted scriptures and that when the bible quotes Jesus saying that 'I and the Father are one' and 'He who has seen me has seen the Father' it cannot be trusted. What an affront!

Traumatized, we went over to the Newman Centre to consult with Father Cassidy. When Father heard what the Muslims were claiming about Jesus, he
flipped. "What an egregious outrage!" he spluttered. "The Vatican shall hear of

Father Cassidy then showed us an old version of the Baltimore Catechism, published in 1956, in which it states that it is the duty of every Mick, who is old enough to patronize a premise where alcohol is being served, to punch the snot out of anyone who differs from Catholic orthodoxy on this point.

Father noted that the antiquity of the Baltimore Catechism makes it more authoritative that the more recent documents of Vatican II, because it was written closer to the time of the Apostles. Father Cassidy said we were members
of the Church militant and we must therefore militate.

The students told me that at that moment they understood their Christian duty in a way not previously felt. This was, if not outright war exactly, a theological disagreement of great importance. They girded their loins by guzzling a couple of bottles of cheap Ontario merlot and set out onto Bay Street waving the Baltimore Catechism, splashing holy water about and chanting slogans like, "JESUS ROCKS" and "CATHOLICISM IS A RELIGION OF PEACE" and "KICK THE SNOT OUT OF ANYONE WHO SAYS IT ISN?T." Simultaneously, the pubs were just closing and the ranks of the protesters swelled as the bars emptied of students. As Bernadette told me,

We were even joined by a few dozen Anglican theologs from Victoria College
who had been visiting St. Mike?s cadging some grass from their suppliers. They
unfurled banners they happened to have with them that read, "GAY, LESBIAN AND TRANSGENDERED THEOLOGIANS FOR CHRIST" and ?THIS IS ALL GEORGE BUSH'S FAULT."

"Soon we has a couple of hundred students marching and chanting and glaring at anyone who didn?t look Catholic," said Patrick Maloney. "When some passers by proffered their bona fides by making the sign of the cross, we cheered."

The students realized they needed a Muslim focal point to express their rage at the blatant Islamic blasphemy. After a short caucus the protesters turned off Bay Street and headed over to The Golden Crescent falafel shop on Yonge Street. Upon their arrival they stood on the street and chanted threats at the shop. "WE DEMAND FISH AND CHIPS" and "MEAT ON FRIDAY IS AN INSULT TO GOD" and "GO HOME HERETICS" The protesters then politely purchased a falafel from the shop, took it outside to the sidewalk, poured aftershave on it and set it ablaze. It is said that the glow could be seen for a metre or more.

The Toronto police riot squad stood by not doing anything. Some even winked
and surreptitiously flashed us their rosary beads. It was an awesome moment of
solidarity, I can tell you.
Then the falafel shop manager emerged and we immediately knew we had made a tactical error. His complexion was dark and his hair was in dreadlocks. Sean said that he shouted in a quizzical voice, "Go home? Hey man, I was born in Scarborough?"

At that point a murmur ran through the crowd as we realized he was an ethnically Jamaican gentleman. Every Torontonian knows that ever since Prime Minister Paul Martin seized control over guns in Canada that Jamaicans are the only armed civilians left on the streets ..... not that we blame them for that ...... as we fully acknowledge that many, but by no means all Jamaicans only carry handguns because their free swimming pool and ice arena funding was slashed by former Conservative Premier Mike Harris during their formative years, ..... hereby stunting their normal pycho-social development and driving them into street gangs not of their personal choosing ..... for most are hard working and good soccer players, ..... though very discriminated against.

As the realization of the potential danger we found ourselves in outside that falafel shop sunk in, (for we only had Baltimore Catechisms and aftershave lotion for our defence), we still knew in our hearts that we were obligated to act in accordance with our Catholic Faith. We were obliged, as newly aware members of the Church militant to conduct ourselves in the same manner as the Apostles in the bible did when faced with grave danger. Accordingly, we consulted the Douay-Rheims English version of the Catholic bible, looked up the relevant passages, realized our scriptural course of action and fled.

And so it is that this intrepid reporter found the undergraduates cowering in an upper room of a college dormitory, yet eager to express their grievances against Islamic insults to their faith. Having heard their story I know that this is not over yet, not by a long shot. The protests will continue and grow. More falafels will be burned as this protest grows strength. The Government of Saudi Arabia and all Arab governments must apologize. This insult has legs.

Don't say you weren't warned.


At 7:39 pm, February 05, 2006 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very funny - only the reference to cheap Ontario Merlot gives it away.

At 6:11 pm, February 06, 2006 , Blogger Fidei Defensor said...

Simply hilarious, Jihads abound but you just don't see that many Crusades, especailly out of Canada! haha

At 3:58 am, February 11, 2006 , Blogger bob said...

John, this deserves a wide audience. I suggest you submit this to the Carnival of Comedy and the Carnival of Satire. It is quite excellent! You can get to the form here.


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