The Counter Attack Begins

Well, well, the Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition, Mr. Harper, seems to have struck a nerve with his slippery slope polygamy comment. The defenders of same-sex legislation, from Prime Minister Martin and Justice Minister Cotler, to the editorial writers of my morning's Globe & Mail are aghast at the association of polygamy and same-sex marriage. Recognizing the association's potential political traction, they've gone into spin doctor overdrive.

Apparently, there is no room on the "living tree" of our progressively interpreted Charter of Rights and Freedoms for the exotic branch of the polygamy flower. The polygamy flower must be nipped in the bud, before a whiff of the aroma from its many dusky petals intoxicates a public hitherto denied its exotic aroma.

According to Liberal social scientists tasked with researching and developing policy on Canada's social biosphere, there is no compatibility or causality between the newly evolved domestic species "matrimonious homogenensius" and the swarthy interloper "polygamous multitudinous." They say they have reviewed the known literature on the subject and there are good socially scientific reasons for continuing the ban on the importation of the latter species.

A spokesperson for the federal Department of Justice says the Department is aware that a few individuals have illegally smuggled "polygamous multitudinous" into the country. Unfortunately, where this has occurred it has resulted in a biologically unsustainable overcrowding of domestic flower beds and excessively assertive breeding programs by patriarchs who own these illegal hybrid gardens.

"There is no cause for panic, or even a need for the average person to be concerned," said the Liberal government spokesperson. "We will not allow this foreign floral breeding program to flourish, because of its negative impact on the stamens of domestic Canadian plants. The public can trust us on this matter. We are very vigilant on their behalf."

Social scientists, employed by the Liberal government, have assured us that we have nothing to fear from the recent graft on the living tree of "matrimonious homogenensius." (Grafting is required because of the new species genetic structure is apparently unsuitable to regeneration through the usual reproductive methods.)

"The new domestic varietal adds the richness of diversity to the nation's flower beds. We should rejoice in the harmonious blend of the vibrant new flowers with the staid old floral arrangements to which Canadians have been accustomed," the Prime Minister stated, while his handlers scraped the mud of Sri Lankan graves from their flack jackets.