Saturday, July 05, 2008

Another appointment to the Order of Canada

Rideau Hall announced today that Her Excellency the Governor General is following up her exciting appointment of Doctor Henry Morgentaler to the Order of Canada, by appointing at the same time, Morgentaler's old friend and colleague, best known to the general public as the Second Horseman of the Apocalypse (see depiction above -third from the right) .

"This newest appointment is consistent with the transgressive and progressive style for which Her Excellency and her Advisory Committee is striving," said a Rideau Hall staff toady who asked to remain nameless.

John the Mad, can report that at considerable expense of buying rounds of expensive single malt, he has ferreted out the "behind the scenes" deliberations of the Order of Canada Advisory Committee.

"The Second Horseman, will be inducted into the highest level of the Order, that of Companion," hiccuped the nameless toady, who added that, "Her Excellency's Advisory Committee, Chaired by the Chief Justice of Canada, certainly engaged in vigorous debate and a thorough review of the equine candidate's qualifications before reaching a consensus on this recommendation."

"Why we had to send His Excellency Jean-Daniel Lafond to the Prime Minister's residence at 22 Sussex Drive to obtain a copy of the Bible, after a frantic search of Rideau Hall proved fruitless. It seems that Rideau Hall library possesses several copies of Das Capital and a dog eared copy of the annotated history of the French communist party in his library, but no Bible."

It is rumoured that most members of the Committee were at first opposed to this appointment because it is supposed to go to someone who has demonstrated, "... a lifetime of outstanding achievement and merit of the highest degree, especially in service to Canada or to humanity at large."

Judy Laroque, Deputy Minister of Canadian Heritage, led the initial objection by reading out the following passage of scripture from the Book of Revelations.
And there went out another horse [the second] that was red: and to him that sat thereon, it was given that he should take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another, and a great sword was given to him.
Ms Laroque was of the view that the Second Horseman, whatever his merits, appeared to be rather more focused on some sort of Divine effort at ending human existence on planet Earth, rather than providing a service to Canada or humanity at large. She stated that, in her view, ending peace and killing one another was definitely not consistent with the primary Canadian values of peacekeeping and supporting equal pay for work of equal value.

The President of the Royal Society of Canada, Doctor Yvan Guindon CM. nodded his head in agreement and added that another meritorious factor is that, "the second apocalyptic horse is red and that is one of Canada's official colours!" Thomas Traves Ph.D., Chair of the Board of Directors of the Association of Universities and Colleges of Canada was very enthusiastic about this point, slurred my anonymous bean spiller.

The Clerk of the Privy Council, Kevin Lynch, then sagely rebutted these arguments by pointing out that Canadian values may have been operative under the Liberals but that the current Conservative government appeared more fond of Albertan values of making war and killing one another. Values change he said and the Advisory Committee must change with the government, .... er times. Everyone seemed to think that notion was hilarious.

Once they stopped guffawing, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Canada, the Right Honourable Beverley McLaughlin PC, rose to her feet - her Crimson robes casting a scarlet and fetching reflected glow to her judicious complexion.

"Ladies and gentlemen of this August advisory committee," she astutely opined. "You miss the point. Because you are not Supreme Court Justices, I can hardly fault you for your errors in judgment, but errors they are. Why are we spending time perusing this old book for celestial precedence anyway? "Values and governments do indeed change, but we are the vanguard of the new Canada. On the Court we Supreme Ones deliberate matters afresh and so must you. In the Morgentaler decision we took our inspiration from the living tree of the Charter, not some retro prophesy enshrined in moldy Holy Writ. Get with the spirit of the age people. What is our end game here?"

According to my inebriated toady, a member of the Committee (just who, my informant could not remember) then spoke up and spluttered, "Crikey, I tell you that we have just buggered up the Morgentaler appointment and now have millions of Canadians PO'd at us. The Governor General and newspaper editors are being deluged with emails and phone calls from outraged churchgoing anti-choicers. Catholic bishops and Evangelical pastors are denouncing us from the pulpits. Fortunately the United Church has taken time out of its theological struggle against bottled water to support us, but that accounts for only 300 churchgoers in the country. We gotta do something. I warned you this would happen."

Justice McLaughlin smiled serenely and replied, "Of course we have to do something and we are. We are going to recommend to the GG that she appoint this Second Horseman fellow as a Companion of the Order of Canada. All those upset priest ridden, anti-choice, protesters are going to be blind sided by our being sensitivity to their deepest concerns. We will deliver, for Her Excellency's consideration, one nihilist abortionist and one venerated New Testament figure. We get spokewymen from the Canadian Abortion Rights Action Council to protest the Second Horseman appointment as an unwarranted intrusion of religion into a secular honours system. The media will applaud our balanced approach and the public feeding frenzy will abate.

"But the Second Horseman's entire purpose is to bring death and destruction to the planet," muttered the anonymous Committee member.

"Indeed," opined the Chief Justice, "but this is also true of Henry Morgentaler. We must be entirely consistent in our principles must we not?"

And now you know the rest of the story.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home