Explosions on Bay Street

I was clearing out my emails and ran across this one I sent out to my friends a year ago (during my pre-blogger life) from my office in Toronto. The serious local terror threat mentioned in the post still exists. The Liberals have done nothing about it.

..................................

[Feb 6, 2004]

Today, about midday, there were two large explosions outside our building here on Bay Street. The first larger blast shook the building and blew a manhole cover off its hole. I witnessed the second blast about two minutes later from a corner office window. A flame shot from the manhole about fifteen feet into the air. It was quite a sight, ... very loud, ... people scared, ... much twittering among staff etc. etc.

Oddly enough, cars kept driving right by the belching booming manhole. Toronto drivers are either very brave, or are as thick as bricks. Having juxtaposed the realm of possibilities I leave the call to you.

There were media reports and you may have heard one of them. Time passed and the word spread, from those officials who spread such things, for us to evacuate the building out the back doors. Public service officials tend to view matters through the prism of liability risk and they did not want us hit by flying manhole covers. For once I was quite sympathetic to their cautious approach problem solving.

We evacuated accordingly, or at least we did after security managed to unlock the back doors to let us out. It is to their credit I suppose that it only took ten or fifteen minutes to open the back fire doors. They are so seldom needed, after all.

I know what caused the explosions. I've been warning about this ever since 9/11. It is clear that it was suicide bomber alligators. I really don't think it was rats. Rats, although capable of such treachery, are normally too smart to do such things themselves. They get the other guys to blow themselves to pieces. A rat's nature is like that. No, it was the alligators all right.

Now I'm not accusing all sewer alligators of engaging in terrorism. I accept that most sewer alligators are peaceful carnivores, chomping down on passing left-over meatball pizzas, or other flushed detritus and will have nothing to do with sewer-based terror networks. It is not part of the belief system of most sewer gators to threaten humans, despite the many sordid tales on the net of snatched Canada Post mail carriers who vanish from their routes before all their mail is delivered, only to escape and re-emerge hours later in local pubs.

But some alligators become bitter beasts and fall victim to sewer rats who are all too willing to use these rejected deluded gators for nefarious purposes. In my view, we must address the root causes of alligator alienation, if we hope to avoid mass sewer bombings in the future. A federal program should be established to study the issue and come up with a plan.

I blame the corporate pet industry, myself. Consider. Pet store capitalists breed baby alligators and sell them to metrosexuals in living downtown condos. These baby gators are sold as status symbols to these elegant, but jaded, urban dwellers. You've probably smiled as you've watched these leashed young gators, wearing those cute gator cardigans and cow leather booties with the open toes to show off their beautifully painted claws, out for a walk in trendy neighborhoods with their proud owners. And those alligators are precious, ... for the first month or so.

Once their owners figure out that these cuddly pets are destined to outgrow the bachelor pad and probably consume the owner in the process, what happens? You've all heard the stories, of frightened condo dwellers flushing little Bunky the reptile, down the toilet to join the throngs of other homeless, rejected alligators in the deeps below the streets.

Small wonder that their little reptilian hearts curdle and they become prey to sewer rats preaching nihilism and death. It's another failure of the corporatist West and George Bush. I expect Naomi Klein would agree.

From these cruel beginnings it is but a small step to strapping on the vests of high explosives with "Fabriqué en France" on the collars and then going forth to attack innocents in the sunlight above. Unloved, they turn to hate and who among us can truly blame them?

Yes, it is the alligators that did it, but it's we who drove them to it.

.................

Well, don't just sit there at your keyboard trembling. Do something! Write your MP and demand a Royal Commission ... before they strike again.