Thursday, April 20, 2006

Yet another scintillating update

(The Last Supper by a painter called Leonardo of the Town of Vinci, Italy)

What am I doing spending time commenting on the public birthing drama involving a former Catholic now known as Placenta Man, and a former Catholic, but still winsome, Katie? I have no idea. I don't normally follow the comings and goings of diminutive actors who can't act, but I shall press on to the bitter end of this story, .... which I fully intend to be this posting.

It seems that former Catholic Katie had a silent birthing experience in conformity with the doctrinal precepts of the Church of Scientology to which the happy couple now belong. Thanks to The Online Sun, an impeccable media source for gossip about the dumb and famous (hat tip to Neale News), a silent birth is required by adherents of the church so that noise does not cause harm to the newborn later in life.
Cruise also ordered medical staff to stay silent, meaning the delivery nurses had to make hand signals to tell Katie when to push. The bizarre order was because Scientologists believe noise when a baby enters the world causes it suffering in later life.

There you have it. Never let it be said that this blogger does not print every silly piece of gossip that's fit to post. There is more. In my view, once you drop your standards on your blog and head down the path of tacky celebrity drivel you must see it through.

The Online Sun article states that Scientology is a, "wacky religion." This value judgment, along with the already cited use of the word "bizarre," so boldly put online, puts paid to the false rumours circulating that the mainstream media have no cojones when it comes to criticizing religious beliefs .... an ugly rumour which gained currency recently because of a misunderstanding over their refusal to publish certain political cartoons that suggested a certain religion of peace and tolerance was violent and intolerant.

Those of us in the know understand that the reluctance of the main stream media big guys to publish the cartoons was motivated by their sensitivity to the sensitivities of that peaceful religion and not at all because of the pucker factor engendered by the world wide riots, burnings, and murders that continue to this day.

Even peaceful and tolerant folks have their limits and portraying images of that peaceful and tolerant religion's founder with a bomb in his turban was naughty indeed and fully deserving of a severe rebuke. Accordingly, the priest murdered in Turkey, the churches burned in Nigeria and those Coptic Christian worshippers stabbed to death in three churches in Alexandra Egypt last weekend by peaceful and tolerant protesters were the unfortunate result of the clear provocation by Norwegian political cartoonists. There are limits.

But here, with The Online Sun article we have a leading online news source, bigger even than this humble blog whose readership is in the tens, daring to print criticism of a religion. This is daring stuff. How many Scientologists who, being born to ordinary Catholic parents with all the attendant moaning, groaning, grunting, screaming and yelling "Push! Push!" are now walking among us later in life as damaged ex-papist Scientologists? It hardly bears thinking about.

It is a given, and I do not deny it, that in our multicultural utopia undamaged Scientologists are at least as peaceful and tolerant as that other religion of peace and tolerance that is so worked up over the insult inherent in cartoon bombs in cartoon turbans and cartoon Piglets and china piggy banks. It would be offensive to Scientologists to suggest otherwise and I don't want to make any Scientologist feel unsafe in this place by suggesting others are unsafe because of them. Are you still with me? This northern utopia has rules and making someone feel unsafe in your space is a grave violation of the prime directive. I completely support safe places and huggable feelings. That is why I am never critical of anyone on my blog.

But still, I worry about the damaged Catholic apostates, who are now Scientology converts, who have yet to undergo sufficient auditing by Scientology clerics to erase the damaging effects of noisy Catholic deliveries. Are these people under control? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Mind you, if Placenta Man and Katie read the article from The Online Sun and take to the streets burning coffee houses and Birkenstock sandal factories and killing journalists from CNN, I will not blame Scientology, which as I have already stated is as peaceful and tolerant as that other religion mentioned above. I will blame the Vatican.

The Da Vinci decoder ring I got in my cereal box this morning has set me straight about who is really responsible for all the religious violence we see in the streets. Who knew? Dan Brown, that's who. Now that it has been revealed, I'll hold Opus Dei responsible if Scientology riots rocks the globe. It's that Catholic birthing noise plot. With my decoder ring I was able to discern that the third figure from the left on Leonardo's Last Supper is not an apostle, but a Roman pediatrician by the name of Umbilicus. He was an early Vatican plotter with evil Simon Peter the first Catholic pope. Once you understand the code you can see that Umbilicus is a pediatrician from the way he is holding his hands up to catch a baby.

Oh yes, one more thing while we are writing of doctors. Katie it seems had an epidural in a hospital. We know Placenta Man is strongly opposed to prescription drugs. Evil they are. And he spent thousands renovating the mansion in readiness for the silent birth. But he must have realized that Katie only recently got out of that Vatican cult thing. While she is familiar with the Virgin Birth she is new to the idea of the silent birth, so theological flexibility was needed for now. And epidurals do help with that pain thing which often frustrates the silent birth thing.

I've seen epidurals work in the delivery room. One minute her face is contorted with agony and the next thing you know she is singing arias, tossing back single malt scotch and channel surfing the soaps. I wouldn't lie about this. I turned over all my notes and recordings from my delivery room Lamaze coaching experience to a direct descendent of Jesus and Mary Magdalene who would confirm it to The Online Sun were it not for his damnable involvement in those secret Vatican noisy birthing intrigues. So that won't happen. After all, former Vice President Al Gore is a man of great discretion.


At 3:09 am, May 01, 2006 , Blogger Candace said...

Omigod! I have looked at that painting (well, pictures of it, anyway) for YEARS and known there was a hidden message. THANK YOU!

"Once you understand the code you can see that Umbilicus is a pediatrician from the way he is holding his hands up to catch a baby."

You are SO RIGHT!


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