Election Delirium

I hear there is a federal election underway in Canada. It must be true because there is no other explanation for the plethora of cardboard and plastic signs half buried in the snow banks at the sides of the streets. The law prevents such public scattering of refuse except during an election, so the proof is in the litter.

It's also asserted by the CBC that there have actually been two party leader's debates already. I don't believe it personally. No one I know has seen such a thing on television, though that may be more illustrative of the Mothercorpse's (CBC's) dismal ratings among ordinary Canucks than proof the debates never took place. If no one tuned in and clapped, was there really a debate?

I do know it's not safe these days for a homeowner to answer the doorbell on Saturday mornings. It may lead to long conversations, lacking proper philosophical, historical, or theological foundations about what one must do to be saved. Yes, the New Democratic and Liberal candidates are giving the Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormon missionaries stiff competition out here in the suburbs.

According to rumours circulating in my neighbourhood, the Prime Minister is insulted that the Ambassador to the United States of America returned fire on Mr. Martin's "stick in the eye" remarks at the Montreal climate change conference. You may recall that Paul Martin accused the Bush Administration of lacking a global conscience because of its refusal to sign the Kyoto Accord and ignore the whole farce, the way Canada has. The U.S. was strangely offended by Mr. Martin's unprovoked attack. Some say it's because the American?s record on CO2 emissions is much better than Canada's - a fact that the Prime Minister has astutely ignored so far in his vicarious Bush baiting.

In any case, the mild rebuttal from Ambassador Wilkins was enough to set Mr. Martin off as the man to defend Canada's interests in matters international. Paul Martin says he will protect us from that evil man who recently brought democracy to Iraq. (Oh, you missed that one too. Hell, it was given play by the media for 30 seconds. Didn't you see it?) Anyway, Mr. Martin will not, he assured the electorate, be dictated to by George Bush. He may be correct in that assertion, but was not prudent to have said it.

It just reminds the voters that Paul Martin will only be dictated to by Jack Layton of the NDP who, in a hotel room one weekend last fall, rewrote the Liberal budget to include over $4 billion in unanticipated federal expenditures targeted at socialist pet programs. We the voters accept that Mr. Martin is a man with a global conscience who won't be dictated to unless his grip on domestic political power is at stake. For modesty's sake, though, it's best he not brag about it. That's part of those Canadian values the Liberals prattle on about. No bragging allowed. Unsupported outrage is okay, though, but only if it is aimed at our southern neighbours.

Perhaps the reason I doubt the existence of an election is because this is the accepted wisdom of the CBC pundits who says the campaign won't truly begin until after the HOLY DAY WHICH MAY NOT BE NAMED has passed. Mr. Martin is a self-described "strong Catholic," so it is not surprising to me that he arranged a political ceasefire for the December 26th Boxing Day sales. We must show respect for deep religious values, after all.

Given Mr. Martin's temporary armistice I expect I'm not trampling too much on the Liberal notions of Canadian values when I wish you all a Happy Boxing Day.