Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Armpits and the Mulla

Apparently, a dramatic TV film secretly made last week in a Berlin mosque reveals the following:

"These Germans, these atheists, these Europeans don't shave under their arms and their sweat collects under their hair with a revolting smell and they stink," said the preacher at the Mevlana Mosque in Berlin's Kreuzberg district, in the film made by Germany's ZDF public TV, adding: "Hell lives for the infidels! Down with all democracies and all democrats!"

Now this story presents interesting theological challenges, aside from it's impact on multiculteral sensitivities and esthetics in general. It has a personal dimension for me, even though I am neither German, atheist, nor European. Truth be told, I don't shave my armpits either. Additionally, I lack a sense of smell. The truth is that my nose is not connected to my brain. I'm advised that these two justaposed facts can indeed lead to an aroma disaster.

I accept that the thought of those tiny rivulets of perspiration collecting in German unbeliever armpits must be quite distressing to the Islamic elect. Frankly, the thought is quite distressing to this nostrilly challenged infidel and I'm physically incapable of fully grasping what fuss is all about. I must take all this on faith. Alas, the Catechisim of the Catholic Church is silent on these matters. Rome has not pronounced.

This circumstance, therefore, raises certain theological challenges. I am not sure whether, "Hell lives for the infidels," as asserted by the Melvana Mosque Mulla, but my nostrilly challenged status gives me all the empirical evidence I need that Purgatory exists. Why is that?

I am pychologically scarred because I was always the last boy among my youthful peers to step back from a silent fart. Because of the covert nature of the oderous deployment I usually had no idea that an gas attack had taken place until everyone wrinkled their noses, pointed at me and yelled how disgusting I was. You have no idea how that can mark a child. Yes Virginia, there is a Purgatory.

Proof of Purgatory aside, however, my theological questions are as follows:
  • According to Islam, is a nostrilly challenged German atheist less sinful because he cannot sniff his own body odour?
  • Is a lack of a sense of smell a mitigating factor in sentencing one to Hell under Islamic teaching?
  • Is the use of deoderants, or anti-perspirants, permissable under Sharia law?
  • What is the connection between hairy armpits and German democracy?

These are important issues and we ought to spend time in quiet reflection.


At 4:05 pm, November 16, 2004 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

The great Bloggod welcomes you to cyber space muckraking and mischief making.

You are - I believe the only blogger to write his first column not only by the sweat of your brow - but ABOUT sweat!!

Live long and prosper - and try not to offend anyone - hahahahaha -


At 5:17 pm, November 16, 2004 , Blogger John the Mad said...

I thank you for your kind words of welcome. What a charge! In the interest of accuracy, however, I must note that I served as a commissioned officer in HM Canadian Forces. As the old saying goes, men sweat, NCO's perspire and officers glow. I'm glowing.

At 8:40 pm, November 16, 2004 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm - I had thought that was "Men Sweat - Women Glow" - a sweet old southern lady saying - and in this modern day and age surely as old fashioned as "a stitch in time" etc -

Regardless - congratulations on taking the big step lilbro
-a blogger, a poet, a gentle man and all round good guy - what next!!



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